she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
