whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
