I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Randomize
