nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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