just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
