i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
