Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
