is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
