Ketchup is God's man juice
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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