make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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