You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
