You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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