please come you make the beer taste better
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
