The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
