I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
my being single is dangerous.
no you cant smoke seaweed
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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