Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
