my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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