Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
