I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
My feet surprised me
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