OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Can I color on your dick again?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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