I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
