I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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