Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
