There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
