You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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