Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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