Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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