I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
that may or may not have been my penis.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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