why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
