Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Randomize
