Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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