the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize