I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
