the condom got lost in my hair
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
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