They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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