i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
