I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Randomize
