I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
farters have to be the big spoon...
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
