I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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