I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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