This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I just googled if crying burns calories
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
