Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
