Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize