Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
