My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
