Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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