Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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