I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
