True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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