do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
