if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
