If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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