I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
