he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
