Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
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