Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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